Father and son: past, present, and future

“I feel privileged to be his son. I am happy to have had him, if only for a little while.” —-Julius Garvey

Julius Garvey  was able to articulate loving  words for his father, Marcus Mosiah Garvey.  Building the Universal Negro Improvement Association, what was then and now the largest African American organization ever, required non-stop travel which meant Mr. Garvey was often away from home and his family. Yet, it appears Mr. Garvey was able to cast and sustain favorable memories in the mind of his son Julius. Some may say it is the quality of the time spent with someone that counts while others may voice an argument for quantity. What transcends debate is this question which looms large; how many sons being raised by single mothers will be able to voice words of admiration and love for their fathers?

Missing fatherly love

“I never really knew my father, and the biggest problem that I had in growing up is missing that fatherly love.”                                                                            —-Bernice King

Dr. Martin L. King, Jr., like Marcus Garvey, was a man with a calling much bigger than himself.  Both were successful in doing what is expected of men; leaving the community more beautiful and beneficial than when they came on the scene. And in the process of doing so, Garvey and King overcame overwhelming odds and made countless sacrifices. Yet, in one instance the love of the father was felt (Garvey) and in the other (King) sorely missed.

It has been said it is the responsibility of the father, at the very least, to provide for and protect his family. Few deeds can be as gratifying as when these are fulfilled. On the other hand, there is little that can be as devastating for a father when he is unable  to do so. Be it the Holocaust of Enslavement which deprived men of the ability to provide or protect their families or contemporary economic challenges, the question remains how can fathers, irrespective of conditions, deliver words and deeds of love to their sons who reside across town or across the continent?

Men picking up the ball

For certain there are many single moms who can recount story after story of how their son’s father failed to  hold up his end of the responsibility to assist in the raising of their manchild. Some mothers make it their business to regularly remind the child of his father’s shortcomings while others wisely focus on the good the absent father has done, however minimal.  Fathers, like doting moms, have an opportunity to be a part of their son’s life. Technology has made it possible to remain in touch with virtually anyone anywhere via Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, text messaging, etc. All one need have is the will to do so; a will predicated on stepping up to the plate and fulfilling a responsibility. But even more so, there is the realization of the need to build memories with a son who embodies so much of who his father is. A son who represents the next leg of a generational relay race that began centuries ago. And should  the father refuse to do it for his son, then let him have the foresight to do it for himself. He will soon come to relish the considerable accrued benefits.

From the Akan region of Ghana, West Africa comes the word “Sankofa” which means it is okay to go back and fetch it in order to go forward.  What one would expect to “fetch,” of course, is history in an attempt to learn its lessons, seize its spirit and emulate its successes. There is a lesson here for fathers. As time quickly passes like so much sand through the hour glass, so do the opportunities to create memorable experiences with a son.  Going back presupposes there is something that transpired in the past that can be captured and embraced in the present. Resolve today  to create those memories.

To your journey!

Experiencing the joys and wonders of reading.

If technology has improved on anything, it has certainly taken video games to a whole new level. Stroll down the video game aisle and see an array of titles that guaranteed to have your head spinning. What became of Pac-Man? Remember when that was the game of choice? Times have certainly changed. And with that change has come an even greater need for sons to develop and maintain a degree of discipline that is perhaps as unprecedented as ever. Video game producers spend millions researching just what a game should have in order to hold the player’s rapt attention. It is no accident that many youth can spend hour after hour compiling their “Dream Team” or giving considerable thought to which weapon would most effectively eliminate the menacing enemy but find it next to impossible to sit still long enough to read a book that  doesn’t contain pictures on each page. Therein lies the challenge; how to compete with the NBA 2K10s of the day.

Dr. Lenard Sax , author of Boys Adrift speaks to the profound impact video games are having on the social and academic lives of boys. Statistics indicate that boys between the ages of 8-16 have ten times more video games on their shelves than books. Ps3, Wii, and X Box 360 are more likely to be found in the homes of young males than many of the classic books of all time. Imagine how many books could be read in the time it takes a teen to master a video game. Parents would be wise to step in and control the number of hours he spends playing the games of his choice. Establish a ratio of books read to games owned.  For instance requiring him to read two books for every game he owns is a ratio certain to ignite his curiosity and desire to further  explore pages of other books.  “Why” you may ask, “Is so much emphasis being placed on reading?” Consider the following comments from those for whom reading made a difference in their lives:

Other than [my father], I relied on books. During [the] time of withdrawal in junior high I had my own private word, and my most  prized possession was my library card from the Oakland Public Library. —–Bill Russell

[In prison,] in every free moment I had, if I was not reading in the library, I was reading on my bunk…No university would ask any student to devour literature as I did. —–Malcolm X

Malcolm X, like many other men, discovered the wonders of reading while incarcerated. This revelation literally saved his life. It was through reading he learned to appreciate history and his people’s contributions to history and to the world. It was through reading he that gained the knowledge and confidence that would so adequately equip him with the skills he would need to fulfill his life’s calling.

Stanley “Tookie” Williams, co-founder of the notorious Crips gang is another example of how reading not only changed him but  in a real sense, saved his life. Mr. Williams, after spending decades in prison,  would go on to be executed by the state of California for murder. Yet, what makes him worthy of note, is his decision to denounce gang violence and his being moved to  write a number of thought provoking children books that admonished  youth of the evils of gang membership. His books are continuing to be read worldwide. Mr. Williams wanted his legacy to be more than having been a gang leader; he wanted to also be remembered for having been redeemed.

Deep and wide reading can open doors to opportunities and a world of adventure. Your son is much more likely to make reading part of his life if reading is a part of yours. Are there books on the coffee table? The bathrooms are excellent places to position a magazine rack. After all, everyone has to sit down at one time or another, why not avail yourself to the opportunity to multi-task?

The Bible (l Corinthians 13:11) states:

“When I became a MAN, I put away childish things.”

Becoming a man does not require that video games and the like be boxed and placed in the attic. For certain there are many responsible men that enjoy their moments with many of the games currently available on the market. Yet, the re-prioritizing of time is of great importance to many men as they continue to watch it and life pass by with ever increasing speed. To introduce a young male to the magnificent joys of reading is to quicken the likelihood of a “light bulb” going off in his head and illuminating his path to manhood and self-actualization.

To your journey!

The jury may still be out as to whether or not a woman possesses the requisite skills to make a man out of her son. The aphorism, “You can’t lead where you don’t go. You can’t teach what you don’t know” takes on particular significance in this instance. As Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu has observed in his considerable studies, “Black women love their sons and raise their daughters.” What are the ramifications of this behavior and what are its origins?

One perspective maintains that during  centuries of enslavement  followed by decades of Jim Crow, Black mothers had to establish low expectations for their sons, according to Dr. Joy Leary. The reason for such drastic behavior stemmed from the mother’s knowing that to raise her son to be a man could very well result in his being murdered. The 1955 brutal killing death of 14 year old Emmett Till in Money, Mississippi for allegedly speaking fresh to a white woman focused rapt attention on what could happen to a young Black male who dared to venture out of his “place.” As a result of Mamie Till’s decision to have an open casket  funeral for her son,  Till’s badly mutilated body would be remembered for generations; particularly by loving protective mothers.

Do residuals of this fear continue in the minds and hearts of mothers today? Some would answer with a resoundng  ”Yes!” indicating that the protective mechanism has for ages come down through the genetic stream. Others would confidently point to recent history citing the 1999 shooting death of unarmed Amado Diallo by New York City police officers as well as the highly controversial arrest of Harvard professor Dr. Henry Louis Gates in 2009, for breaking into his own home. One thing for certain, being aware of this phenomenon that many mothers may unknowingly continue to possess is a prerequisite for change.

Is the task of raising him alone too much to ask or expect of a single mom? If two parent housholds are encountering difficulty can there really be hope for the single mother? Of course the answer is a resounding “YES!”  Phoenix , as is the case in other cities, has organizations like Men of Impact Leadership Academy and 100 Black Men. These two groups, as is the case of others, are committed to assisting moms, be they single or married, in exposing their sons to experiences that will assist them on their path to manhood and self-responsibility; all of which leads to their engaging in acts of sacrifice and service to benefit the whole. So mom, don’t feel as if  you have to do it all alone. Stay tuned for ideas and suggestions that will continue to illuminate the path you and your son(s) are traveling.

To your journey!